It's only been the first couple of months of junior year, and I've already learned so much. I've learned that school is hard. That I'm scared of failing, but I'm becoming less and less of an over achiever. Homework doesn't matter anymore, unless it's graded or there's a test on it, which there always is. At times it's just laughable when i get a 20/40 on a quiz. Except the times that I just sit there and cry because I feel so stupid that I don't know how to even start finding the angular velocity of a wagon wheel.
More than radians are changing .I'm getting my license, and eventually a car, and more responsibility than I know what to do with. I have more homework than any sane person could do. I'm switching camps. All of the groups that I'm in are either too impermanent or too young to have an influence on the fact that it feels like I'm all alone. My friends went to college. My parents are so sick of me being stressed that its not even worth it to start a conversation, because on top of all that I have to do, I have to try to raise their expectations of me. My friends are either getting more stressed over school, or escaping the stress by drinking.
I always felt so much pride in the fact that I don't drink. I've never had a drink, I've never smoked pot. for the first time, I actually feel like I'm missing something. Everyone else does that stuff, it seems like. Everyone just goes to parties and gets wasted and hooks up and that's that. There's no shame, and no one gets any more deathly ill than puking, and thats only if you cant hold your liquor. No one seems to have any problems. They are happy, they have best friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and life is good. There's always the occasional drama that happens, which I guess is the only downside. But someone told me that you don't have to act stupid when you're drunk, people just do. Of course, I don't know how you can tell if you're being stupid if you're drunk.
Are you supposed to drink? Is drinking supposed to be the way you handle stress and life, at age 16? I guess now writing it down, it seems so....just...stupid to think drinking is ok but when everyone around you that you grew up with and trusted is smoking and drinking, it just seems like whats supposed to happen. You're supposed to go to parties and drink instead of doing homework and working hard and getting stressed out over which standardized test would be better for you. The world is supposed to be open, and everyone is supposed to be different and free to live their lives how they choose. But the options are either being stressed over school or having fun drinking. Doesn't anyone just...I don't know...go on adventures through the woods, or play man hunt, or go to a football game anymore? Does everything anyone does have to have drugs and pot and beer involved? Is that what we're supposed to do now?
I want to have a good job, and go to a good college, but I want to have friends and a fun time while I'm still in high school. I hope I don't have to break my straightedge streak to do it. I don't want to let myself down. I won't let myself down.
Sincerly,
Me
Sincerly,
Me
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